I've been thinking about writing about this for a long time now. It's not really something that anybody really wants to talk about, though. The M word. Miscarriage. I don't even like to say it. I'm sure there's probably something therapeutic about writing down feelings...who really knows, though.
I'll start with my experience, I suppose. I've had two miscarriages. Two recurrent miscarriages. Both have been after Jackson was born. Both have been extremely difficult. There are so many different stages you go through. Why me? What's wrong with me? This isn't fair. And then I gradually get to the what ifs. I'll catch myself thinking about the fact that I should have a 9 month old or what type of personality they would have. I have to be really conscious to not get hateful. I don't want to spend my life hateful. It's heartbreaking when people ask "So, when do you plan on having another one?" How do you even answer that?
In March, I should have three kids. Instead, I have one. The one I do have is amazing, though. And if I'm only supposed to have one, I'm glad Jackson is the one I was blessed with.
I recently read an article addressing why miscarriage isn't talked about. An article about why these babies aren't talked about. The article basically insinuated that women are ashamed of having miscarriages. I haven't stayed silent because I'm ashamed. I've stayed silent because it hurts to talk about. I think about it enough, I promise. I'm the type of person that is always analyzing. My mind is always going. I over think things. I'm probably still thinking about something said weeks ago, because that's just who I am. I'm also the type to mourn silently. I just don't like or need to talk about some things. This is one of those things.
One thing that I've found extremely helpful is knowing that I'm not alone in this. I have some incredible people in my life, which definitely helps. Reading *positive* articles, blog posts, etc. has also been really great for me. Hopefully this helps one person feel like they aren't alone.
We're in this together.
--Please excuse the bad writing....my mind is a little all over the place.
