The M word.

I've been thinking about writing about this for a long time now.  It's not really something that anybody really wants to talk about, though.  The M word.  Miscarriage.  I don't even like to say it.  I'm sure there's probably something therapeutic about writing down feelings...who really knows, though.

I'll start with my experience, I suppose.  I've had two miscarriages.  Two recurrent miscarriages.  Both have been after Jackson was born.  Both have been extremely difficult.  There are so many different stages you go through.  Why me? What's wrong with me? This isn't fair.  And then I gradually get to the what ifs.  I'll catch myself thinking about the fact that I should have a 9 month old or what type of personality they would have.  I have to be really conscious to not get hateful.  I don't want to spend my life hateful.  It's heartbreaking when people ask "So, when do you plan on having another one?"  How do you even answer that?

In March, I should have three kids.  Instead, I have one.  The one I do have is amazing, though.  And if I'm only supposed to have one, I'm glad Jackson is the one I was blessed with.

I recently read an article addressing why miscarriage isn't talked about.  An article about why these babies aren't talked about.  The article basically insinuated that women are ashamed of having miscarriages.  I haven't stayed silent because I'm ashamed.  I've stayed silent because it hurts to talk about.  I think about it enough, I promise.  I'm the type of person that is always analyzing.  My mind is always going.  I over think things.  I'm probably still thinking about something said weeks ago, because that's just who I am.  I'm also the type to mourn silently.  I just don't like or need to talk about some things.  This is one of those things.

One thing that I've found extremely helpful is knowing that I'm not alone in this.  I have some incredible people in my life, which definitely helps.  Reading *positive* articles, blog posts, etc. has also been really great for me.  Hopefully this helps one person feel like they aren't alone.

We're in this together.

--Please excuse the bad writing....my mind is a little all over the place.

Ten things

Kourtney did this and I thought that it was a really great idea.  Let's be honest...parenting isn't easy.  There always seems to be somebody around to criticize what we're doing and how we're doing it.  I don't know a single parent that is absolutely perfect, because there is always room for improvement.   So here are ten things that make me an awful mom.  Cheers to improvement.

1.  I've just jumped in the backseat holding Jackson, instead of putting him in his carseat.  (I've only done this while going across town)

2.  Sometimes we just lounge around all day and watch TV, instead of doing something productive.

3.  We have absolutely no routine.  They say kids need a routine, right?

4.  We've left the park before Jackson was ready...usually because I'm too hot, tired, etc.

5.  Jackson doesn't get much social interaction.

6.  If he hasn't had much to eat in a few days, I'll give him junk because I just want something in his stomach.

7.  I get really frustrated when he's in a whiny mood.

8.  I've given him tea to keep him awake.

9.  I let him drink way too much milk, because I don't feel like fighting him about it.

10.  I'm hard on myself, instead of being confident in my choices.

I also wanted to add ten things that make me an awesome mom, because I think every parent needs some feel goods, too.  I'm the first to criticize myself, so I figured I would try something different.  Giving myself a pat on the back....because, well, I deserve it!  :)

1.  I read to Jackson every single day.

2.  The kid is surrounded by hugs, kisses, and tons of love.

3.  I try to keep track of all the things going on for toddlers, so I can do my best to take him.

4.  He rarely gets anything other than water or milk.

5.  I take him to the library once a week to check out new books.  We (mainly just me) get sick of reading the same ones over and over.

6.  We actively work on different skills to make sure he's where he "should be."

7.  He was using the big boy potty by 21 months.

8.  I try to stay organized, so I don't miss any of the thousand appointments kids have to go to.

9.  He is my number one priority.  Nothing comes before him.

10.  I try to be as loving, selfless, and positive as I can be.  I could not be more proud of my little boy.

Note to self:  coming up with ten things that make me an awesome mom was a lot harder than ten things that make me awful.  I should work on that.

4th of July weekend

The 4th of July weekend was a success!  We met up with Abby, Zeb, and baby Isla Friday morning/afternoon for some fair food.  Of course, Jackson loved running around the park like a wild man, while we sat and talked.  At one point, he was even walking around with sticks in his mouth.  You can tell he only socializes with dogs.  We finally got Jackson down for a nap after we got home.

Uncle Tony, Sara, and the boys all came down, so I went out to see them while Darrin and Jackson napped.  We all went out to the park around 7:30 to wait for the fireworks.  Shelbyville does them at the park, so that's where everyone ends up.  There was even a little carnival out there.  My mom took Jax and Gray on the berry-go-round by herself, haha.  So funny.  They did NOT want to get in, but they did okay when it started going.  That's the only ride Jackson wanted to do.  I took Gray down the big slide, though.  He definitely loved it.  We eventually make it back over to our stuff about the time it got really dark.  Darrin and I had enough time to run and grab some lemon shake-ups for everyone before the fireworks started.  Jackson LOVED the fireworks this year.  He kept saying "WOW!" and laughing and oohing and aahing.  My grandma used to do the same thing.  It was so cute.

We went out for breakfast Saturday morning and then went to the blueberry patch Saturday afternoon.  It was surprisingly a lot of fun!  It's a place called Prairie Hills Farms and they let you pick yourself.  We could barely put them in the bucket fast enough, because Jackson was eating so many!  Eventually the boys just started to run wild and they loved every minute of it.

We went to the pool as soon as we got back from the berry patch.  Jackson was attached to my mom's hip, like usual.  So I hung out with Gray quite a bit.  Baby Rose even got in for a little swim.  Darrin decided not to come with us...surprise, surprise.  Him and water.  We went out to grandpa's afterwards for a cookout, and he did join us then :)  We just hung out there the rest of the evening.

Definitely a successful 4th of July.  Jackson had a blast all weekend!

Happy Father's Day!!

Happy Daddy's Day to my favorite baby daddy!  I couldn't have asked for a better dad for Jackson.  You make it look easy.  Glad we get to do life with you, Darrin!

Jackson Reid--2 years

JACKSON REID

Age:  2 years

Stats:  29.5 lbs. and 35 in. long

Clothes:  He's mainly in 2T now.  He can still fit in a few 18 mo. or 24 mo. shirts.  

Favorite Foods:  Ugh...food.  His appetite has been HORRIBLE!  He loves milk.  He likes bread, fruit snacks, yogurt, peanut butter sandwiches....  That's about all he will consistently eat.  He use to eat so well, so it's really frustrating for me.  I just got the Honest Company multi-vitamins I ordered for him.  Hopefully that will get some sort of nutrition into his little body.

Words:  His speech is equally as frustrating as his eating.  He refuses to say words that I KNOW he can say.  He'll say a word like crazy for a week and then never say it again!  He has gotten a little better, I guess.  He loves to make animal noises.  He'll say "I don't want it/I want it" a lot.  He says all kinds of words...when he wants to.  Not a lot of phrases, though.

Activities:  He loves to be outside.  That's all he ever wants, actually.  He likes to go to the park to slide and see the ducks.  He chases Finn and Poke around the back yard.  He'll walk around the front yard while I do yard-work.  He really likes to go on walks.  

Favorite Things:  He loves his Disney movies, especially Frozen.  He loves his squirt guns, play drill, water table, and puzzles.  Definitely loves phones, too.

Signature Moves:  Roaring like a lion, lol.  He's pretty good at his "ready stance" and using dad as a jungle gym.  He hasn't been busting any moves lately, which is kind of surprising haha.  

 This kid is definitely full of personality.  I can't wait to see how he changes and grows.  Here's to another year, kid.

The best friends.

"If anyone deserves a Happy Mother's Day, it's you!  You are an INCREDIBLE mom who has rightfully earned the title.  I hope more women in our generation will look to you as an example and step their game up!  You're raising, in my opinion, the perfect little man who will shift the trend and set an example of strong character.  You have the most important job ~ changing the world!  And you're rising to the challenge like a boss!  Love you!"

I got this text from Rachelle today.  I seriously couldn't have asked for a better friend.  She's the best.

Easter 2014

Easter this year was a success.  Jackson's second Easter...that just seems crazy.  The weekend was pretty busy, though.  We went to the Easter Egg Hunt at the park Saturday morning.  That was thoroughly entertaining.  Jackson wanted no part in it.  All he wanted to do was run around...surprise, surprise.  I picked him up when they called for his age group and he instantly started screaming and wanted down.  Little punk.  I eventually had Darrin take him, because he usually does a little better.  That didn't even work.  They eventually let them start and he ran toward the stuff and then turned around and ran the opposite way, haha.  Then he ran into the ball diamond.  It was pretty funny.  We took Jackson and Dexter to play at the park afterwards, which was adorable.  They held hands the whole way!

Reece's birthday party was Saturday afternoon and Jackson refused to take a nap.  He played the whole time we were there.  Then we went out to my Grandpa's and cooked out with my family for Easter.  He had about a ten minute nap all day Saturday.  Melt down city.  I did drive Grandpa's new Harley trike, though.  A first for me.  Then we drove to Sarah's Sunday afternoon for Darrin's family Easter.  Which was also really fun.  I officially shot a gun (actually two) for the first time while I was there.  So this year for Easter I operated a Harley motorcycle and shot guns.  I felt like I needed to go to the tattoo shop or something, hahaha.

Shootin' guns....my street cred. just went up....

About the best family picture we got....

Say CHEEEESE!